2nd September 2013
DOUBTS CREEPING IN ALREADY.
Dear Diary.
The weekend was spent in disbelief and lovely September
sunshine. I’ve already started cutting out cigarettes and have stopped
drinking. Despite having terrible headaches, I’m determined to see everything through.
Jaine and Martine visited me on Sunday and we went for a long walk along
the Grand UnionCanal, which is really close to where I live.
Alan has been his usual dependable self and has agreed to
take some time off work to be with me at Harley Streettoday and to support me when I
do a photo shoot for Stoptober, the no smoking campaign, tomorrow.
Alan and I are up very early to make our way to Harley
Street and then on from there to the photo shoot where I would meet up with Martine.
Today I am to meet Spencer, my fitness and Nutritionist expert and I am
nervous. I know the cigarettes have to go and already I am doubting myself. ‘God, can I do this, am I ready,
and is this all a big step too far?’ My tummy is turning somersaults and I’m
already sweating. I’m naturally a hot person and Alan says that I am the only
person he knows that has the air con on in the winter. It’s all to do with my
diabetes, the food I eat and lack of self esteem. Faced with any kind of
anguish, I just start sweating and it’s always my head and hair that suffer the
most.
I had spent an hour with rollers in my hair and virtually
a whole tin of mousse on it to try and look respectable and after just twenty
minutes in the car, I could feel the heat from my head and my hair just flopped.
I looked at Alan teary eyed and he smiled. “Don’t worry babe, the hair and make
up will sort it out before the shoot!”
I smiled at Alan, turned up the air con and started
sucking on my imaginary cigarette. Now these things are ok, but they weigh a ton and although they are a
fairly good substitute, there aint
nothing like the real thing. It’s like using a stick of rock and feels un-natural...
It’s just not the same. I had an appointment booked for NHS no smoking at my
surgery and I’d also decided to try Hypnosis and how I get on will be revealed
in the later pages. I’d not been keen on hypnosis as I always believed it was all a bit silly.
I suppose I’ve visualised someone with a pendant swinging in front of my
eyes and it all seems like nonsense, but I’m willing to try anything and will do
some research when I return home.
Finally we arrive at Harley Streetand Jaine is there waiting for
me looking a little nervous herself. Inside I was really nervous as I wanted someone
to hold my hand and had persuaded Jaine to do everything with me. Well, she
needed to loose weight and get fit and we are quite competitive, and secretly I
wanted company, a competitor and a friend by my side.
The clinic was manically busy and we were asked to go to
the room on the top floor. After three flights of stairs, Alan waited patiently
at the top as Jaine and I searched for Oxygen on the second
floor.
Once again the room did not disappoint and was filled
with a lovely bouquet and there were a few chairs near to a highly polished
desk. I placed my tea cup and saucer on the desk and glanced around the room
looking at many famous faces in pictures on the wall and waited anxiously for
the fitness expert.
The door opened and in walked Spencer in his tight
fitting t-shirt, shorts and trainers.
My first thought was phoar….followed by fearful thoughts that he wanted
me to start immediately. He was tall and lean with a lovely smile and I
instantly thought, crikey, how could I let him down, how could I possibly fail
and then oh shit, he will actually see me at my
worse!
I threw Jaine a quick glance but I could see that she was
thinking exactly the same thoughts that I was. Jaine being Jaine disguised her
Blackpoolaccent, badly I would add, and suggested he sit behind the desk.
As she moved the desk without averting her gaze the leg started to give
way and everyone rushed to save my cup and saucer. The desk was purely for
display as we were in a treatment room, and Alan and Spencer rushed to stop
everything falling off.
I was in fits of laughter as Jaine broke into her usual
accent and hollered, “Bloody ‘eck, we’re wrecking the room!” and loosing her
balance almost fell to the floor from the small swivel seat she was sitting on.
I cracked up and was of no use to anyone, but Alan and Spencer saved the day!
Once we had re-settled and the laughter had stopped, Spencer looked me in the
eyes and said “Now down to business, this is what we need to
do!”
I would be required to fill in a daily diary of food
intake and I wasn’t to leave anything out. I needed to choose two week days and a
weekend day to give examples of what I like and eat. I would also need to travel
to London to work out my exercise program and to do three sessions a week. Spencer was on a week’s
holiday, but I was scheduled to start on Monday 23rdSeptember 2013. I
was also told that a food diary would be designed for me, and that there was
even a possibility that the food could be delivered. I was completely shell
shocked for I realised that this program was totally designed around me, to help
me, to train me and to cover everything from work outs to food and that this 180
program worked on everything to enable me to not fail and to be the person I so
wanted to be. Was I, just ordinary Jenny, really going to get all this? I found
it hard to take it all in!
Spencer asked little of me to start. The food Diary was
essential and also I needed to walk at least three times a week for up to thirty
minutes a session. Stop the smoking by trying everything I could and by
believing that what he had planned for me along with Mr Khan's thoughts was going
to change my life and my perception of how to live and that I would never look
back again.
In the car, I was silent. In my head I was talking
non-stop. I lit up a cigarette and Alan glanced at me a little disappointed. “I
know,” I said, “but let me just get use to this new person that I’m supposed to
be. I can’t do everything at once, and I don’t know if I can cope.” Alan always knows when to shut up.
I looked at the cigarette in my hand and I hated it, I hated me for being
so addicted and I was desperately worried.
The thought of letting anyone down weighed heavily on my
mind and for the next few days I seemed to withdraw from thinking too long and
hard about everything. Martine had been her usual rock solid self and suggested
some therapy. After visiting me two days later, Martine convinced me to look on
the Internet for someone who could help.
She never shouted at me for continuing to smoke, she never read the riot
act to me, but she knew that I was suffering with the anguish of stopping
smoking, and the fear I had of letting people down.
Now, if you say to me, don’t eat too much, then ok, I
take that thought into consideration.
I had lost nearly four stone, put on half a stone but I had kept it
within reason and it had become part of who I was and I knew I had to be
careful. As an Insulin dependent Diabetic I have to take blood sugar levels, nasty little pricks to monitor how
high or low I am, and food intake is important. I was slightly overweight, but not obese.
If you say to me, right you need to exercise more, then
again I process that thought and try to increase what I do and walk further,
work out more often and I truly know the benefits of all of that. But………….stop
smoking…..are you serious? I started smoking at 11 years old, around the bike
shed in Secondary School. It was so trendy, so fashionable, so very naughty too,
but it made so much of the old me disappear, and in her place a new Jenny
started to appear. As the years went on, it became part of me, part of my genetic make-up and with a few vodka’s
I was the life and soul of any party, and known generally as the girl who always had fun!
All my life I had been abused, made fun of, suffered
humiliations and horrible life changing situations that had left me fearful and
frightened, but with a cigarette in my hand and a drink in the other, I could
easily say….”Up yours and sod the lot of you.” Suddenly, now, all that had to
go, all my defences, all my weapons and all of my strength. The future did look
bright but it took on a scary twist! I was now going to be totally naked and
alone.
I couldn’t face it alone. Yet again, Martine was right and I
needed to accept that I needed help. That’s a hard pill for me to swallow,
for I’m Jenny, the one with the answers, the strong one, the one that just takes
life by the scruff of the neck and gets on with whatever life throws at me, but
really what I am trying to understand now is that, I was only that person by
default, for without my props, I had to find the real me!
Behind Closed Doors is my Book that told my life and my struggle to escape all forms of abuse. It can still be found on Amazon or at your local library.
Helpful Hints.
Food, oh how we love it! Try some of these
tips.
1. Get some natural health or slimming bars to have with a cup of tea to squash those hunger
pains. A banana or handful of grapes are even better.
2.
Try to eat fresh fruit after every meal as it breaks your food
down.
3.
Use a smaller plate when serving your meals.
4.
Avoid going near take-away shops, bakers and fish and chip shops. The smells will drive you
crazy. Cross over that road!
I had found a Therapist and booked an appointment and I had also contacted my
surgery to attend a no smoking session with the practice nurse. Believe me when
I say that none of this was easy and I picked up the phone several times before
I actually made the calls.